it’s 1:22pm and i’ve just opened my eyes for the first time all day. as a matter of fact, i’ve just opened my eyes for the first time, point blank, period, end of sentence, beginning of essay. it’s the year 2000 on the upper west side and my timing is all wrong. i am somehow both early and overdue.
my mom had a Really Hard Time getting pregnant. i don’t know the specifics. no one in my family talks about these things. i just know that it’s a big deal that we’re here, and that we were earlier than expected even though they’d been waiting for a while.
i share my birthday in a couple of ways, one being with my two-minute-older twin brother whom i adore. i’m proud and protective of him and admire him in ways that i’ll never share lest it goes to his head.
too proud to tell my brother that i look up to him and just proud enough to tell you more about why april 26th is so important to me. today is lesbian day of visibility, which sounds made up, but it’s not, so i’m going to take the opportunity to be very, very visible.
people don’t like the word lesbian. they think it’s ugly, or angry, or big, or whatever. i’ve told people that i’m a lesbian and been met with a scrunched nose and an “oh, i don’t like that word, can’t you say something else?”
people don’t like when i call myself a lesbian, but they don’t like it when i call myself a dyke, either, so,
lesbian lesbian lesbian. everyone keeps asking when i’ll be into men again.
it is bewildering to me the earnestness in this question. it stings every time, even when i don’t think you’re asking with negative intent. i know you’re not clocking what you’re saying as offensive, and i get it, i do. you’re just asking about my dating life, and checking back in with the center, letting me know that being normal is something within reach should i ever decide to stop making my life so difficult by only dating women.
well, unfortunately for you, there’s no other option for me. i wouldn’t change it even if i could. being gay is my favorite thing about myself.
to answer the question you keep asking, awkwardly phrased perhaps because you know it’s a weird thing to ask your friend who has exclusively been seeing women for the last six years, no, i’m not hooking up with guys these days. i hope i never hook up with a guy again. but, if that changes, i promise you’ll be the first to know.
i love women, man, i really do. seeing women the way i do shapes the way i see the world. spring rain is less scary and my friendships mean more and the manhattan and brooklyn bridges look like legs opening up with dumbo as the clit. it’s so beautiful to see women everywhere, to want to invite them wherever they’re not.
i act gay, i dress gay, i am openly and proudly and loudly gay. still, i’m fairly certain people would be more comfortable with someone else calling me a dyke than me calling myself a lesbian.
stop being weirded out by the word lesbian. it sucks when you are. it makes me feel like it doesn’t matter to you, like you wouldn’t stand up for me if my being gay was the butt of the joke, especially if i wasn’t there to hear it.
despite all this, i think more women should be open to the idea that they, too, might love women. i’m not going to am i a lesbian masterdoc you or anything; i promise there’s no gay agenda i’m pushing on the kids. but, if you’ve ever thought it could be fun to kiss your friend, or if you’re dating and dating and deeply disinterested, i’d suggest giving it a shot.
this coming from a lesbian who lost her virginity to a girl and maintained that she was straight because she was just having fun, and she still liked boys, and it was different the way she thought about girls, and she always thought about girls, but didn’t everyone?
the same lesbian who ran through the door after her first kindergarten playdate, breathlessly exclaiming that her new friend’s family was all girls, she had a sister and two moms and chinchilla, and how freaking cool is that?!?!?
all this to say that i had a lifetime of representation and experiences and it still didn’t click. so, if it feels too big and you still don’t know, that’s ok, it is, and you’re not supposed to. there’s a lot you thought you knew about yourself that you might now have to throw away. you might feel dirty. that’s part of what makes it fun.
there’s no manual for being gay as it goes in and out of vogue, no manual for experimenting, no manual for what to do with yourself if it doesn’t work out, or if it works out too well and now you have to live a life that’s different from the rest. this is, in part, what i have been trying to accomplish with the writing i’ve been sharing with you. there is no one way to do anything, no way to know for sure that you’re doing what’s good for you. but you have to have fun and you have to try. it’s scary. you have to get over it. and yourself.
kiss the girl. linger in the doorframe. forget your jacket and come back for more.
and, for fuck’s sake, stop using the word gay as a pejorative. it’s unoriginal and doesn’t even make sense, because, what, you’re calling something gay because you think it’s lame? queer people are cooler than you’ll ever be. the only thing you’re insulting is your own intelligence.
how’s that for a big angry lesbian?
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rewind/ that part
it’s in the four twenties. it’s the holiday season, as outlined above, and i’ve been busy, so i’m trying something different.
i’ve been having a lot of fun playing with myself. i saw lucy dacus at radio city, and everyone was there with their girlfriends, and i was there alone, and it was one of the best concertgoing experiences i’ve ever had. my seat was in the second row, a bit to the side, in a bit of an awkward spot, sometimes, visibility wise, but the second row nonetheless. hozier surprised lucy on stage and they sang their duet off her new album and to call those 4 minutes pure magic is an understatement. seeing them pal out like that inspired me to make this a little less about me.
here’s how this is gonna work. you’re gonna look at the below list, and if you like the song, click on it, and i’ll take you to a song off forever is a feeling that i think you’ll like, too.
so, for example, if you like howlin’ for you by the black keys, i’ll redirect you to first time by ms. dacus (yes, this is off home video, but it’s my favorite favorite favorite song of her’s, and this is just for demonstration, but also totally listen to this song, it’s exceptional). ok. ready?
norman fucking rockwell - lana del rey
i remember everything - zach bryan & kasey musgraves
red wine supernova - chappell roan
and, if you like music at all, listen to night shift. beyond being her magnum opus, i believe this to be a truly perfect song, and it was by far her most enthusiastic performance on wednesday.
that already feels like so long ago. the weeks go fast, as do the days, as do the years. i’ve got another one now, so, in exchange, this has been my gift to you. thanks for celebrating with me.